This has been the longest time I have gone without publishing a piece
of writing in over two years. I kept trying to write this piece and
that piece, and frankly, I have pages of fabulously rich notes,
scribbles, and thoughts to play with at some point. What has prevented
me from drawing them coherently into an interesting piece of writing has
been the bottom falling out of a central component of my life, namely
Anusara Yoga. If you’re reading this, you know the rough outline of what
has happened or perhaps you know the gritty details or the hints and
shadows of them. In any case, every time I attempted to develop a piece
of writing for the past few weeks, it felt forced, stilted, beside the
point.
I realized tonight, as I wrote my resignation letter, that this would
be a purging of blocked words, a letting go of things so that I could
clear the way for new words to come, new ways of thinking to coalesce.
And as I type this now, I feel relieved, renewed. I am creating instead
of leaving, forming instead of dissolving. I’m entering the upswing of a
new cycle.
The following is my letter to my community. Some people will like that I published it here and others will not. I wrote a piece
here
last year in which I spoke about the need to smash apart the old to
begin again, and so this is what I’ve done. This is the way I need to
deal with it to feel complete. Putting something into words makes it
feel real to me. It seals the commitment. To those of you I love who are
staying and those I love who have left, I hope it’s ok with you all.
It’s the best I have to offer at the moment.
Chidambaram OM
Dear Friends,
This evening I came to a calm, yet profoundly sad decision to end my
business affiliation with Anusara Yoga. This has been a painful process
for me, involving the same anxiety, sleeplessness, and tears that so
many of you are also experiencing. I love our system of asana and
believe it to be the most elegant and intelligent one out there. I
deeply love and admire our community as well, and for over ten years now
I have been in a continual state of wonderment over the ocean of
talent, intellect, and creativity that I have encountered in Anusara
teachers and students. I cannot imagine my life without it and without
all of you.
Furthermore, and the toughest point in all of this, is that I truly love, admire, and respect
John.
He has been supportive of me in many ways, and his teaching has helped
me to heal when I was going through a couple of tough times. He has
changed my life for the better. I am amazed at what he created, and I am
forever grateful.
After several days of emotional turmoil, I realized that I was
resisting leaving because of my deep love for the practice and for our
community. The problem was, I had fallen out of love with the
organization. Did you ever end a relationship because you and the other
person were playing with different rulebooks? This is what I’m talking
about. And this is why I have to leave.
I would like to be very clear. My resignation is a painful and
carefully thought-out decision. It is a decision whose roots are in
thoughts, feelings, and experiences that I’ve had over a few years. The
events and revelations of the past couple of weeks have sealed it, but
that tiny seed of thought indicating my eventual departure has been
gestating for a while.
I pulled away from the initial cascade of resignations that began
Sunday, feeling that I did not want to make a major life decision
quickly, simply because so many of my close friends had left. What is
necessary for me in any major life event is to get quiet, to make sure
that I am in a thoughtful and grounded place, and to act from that place
with informed certainty. I wrote, I meditated, I taught, I spoke with
friends and family, and I’m in that place right now.
My reasons for leaving are rooted in my belief that an organization
cannot successfully and healthily exist when one person has control over
so many. I have felt like a bit of an outlier in the past few years
because I have resisted some of Anusara’s philosophical underpinnings,
specifically the Shiva-Shakti Primer. I have also disagreed with some of
its financial initiatives, such as the 10% dues we are asked to pay on
yoga products, when so many of us can barely make a living.
I have not felt empowered to publicly contest either of these
policies without potentially damaging my career within Anusara, Inc.,
and that is a huge problem. I am a person who once spent six months on a
picket line at the Museum of Modern Art fighting for my rights, and for
me to feel, at this point in my life, that I can’t voice my dissent is
not healthy. A silently fuming person is not the person who I wish to
be. A person who says one thing and then does another is also not who I
want to be. I believe in boundaries but I don’t believe in constraints.
There is a difference. In addition, I feel that there has been a culture
of fear and secrecy that is the opposite of the transparency I embrace.
There are far too many moments for me to cite here, but I welcome
anyone’s questions for clarification. This is about my personal
integrity and about how I want to move through the world.
I am still a certified Anusara Yoga teacher, although I will be
relinquishing my license. I will fulfill the teaching commitments that I
have planned in the next few months that offer credit hours to those
attending.
There is no other style of asana I wish to teach. I firmly believe
that this brilliant alignment system is the best there is out there. I
will continue to teach exactly how I teach right now. I will honor all
that I have learned from John and from everyone, both teachers and
students, who have been with me through this wild and beautiful ride. I
love you all. Thank you. I’ll see you on the other side.
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.
- Rumi
With Love and Gratitude,
Susanna
