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| Nataraja, Bristol, NY, July 2011 |
Yes...That. I am that. That I am.
My Two Teachers
I have many teachers, but the two who are really the great teachers
of my life are the ones who, when I first heard them speak, seemed to be
voicing the contents of my brain. If you have had this experience, you
know exactly what I am talking about. You are surprised, and think –
wait – how did you…? but I… and then –
yes and
yes again.
Then the surprise gives way to a magnetic compulsion that makes you
want to scrunch your chair or yoga blanket or whatever you happen to be
perched on …right…up…close.
It makes you want to travel around the world to study with them and
precipitates dramatic shifts in how you order your time and with whom
you wish to spend it. Your initial amazement and delight pool into a
profound sense of gratitude for this glimpse into the mysterious
synchronicity of things. Resonance and Recognition. This is what
happened when I met my teachers
John Friend and
Douglas Brooks.
To Backtrack for a Moment – Paris and Proust
I keep thinking about the first time I read Proust. I was studying in
Paris and as I tackled the dense text, I suddenly realized that I was
being moved by the quality of the language and by the beauty of the
prose. For the first time reading in French – instead of translating in
my head, instead of it being about comprehension – I had moved into a
place of profound aesthetic appreciation. That was something.
The writing seemed strangely familiar. As I read, it felt as if
someone had transcribed the phrases and ideas lining the inside of my
brain. I was seeing myself reflected in his words – not just things I
had thought about, but patterns of thought – an underlying structure
that said –
That is me! The differences between myself and a
neurotic French writer born in 1871, who closeted himself in a silent
cork-lined room so that he could write all 3000-some pages of his book
were evident. Yet, the startling sense of recognition triggered a
sensation of deep connectivity to the world around me, which is actually
what he was writing about. And this experience is what I’m now talking
about.
Post-practice with John Friend - Anusara Grand Circle-Wanderlust, VT, June 2011
On Recognition and Moving through Things
Many years later, I was going through a challenging period in my life
– I had lost 3 people I cared about in 3 months in unrelated violent
deaths. I was toughing it out, trying to be there for other people while
I just barely kept it together myself. I felt as if I was held in place
by lots of little overlapping pieces of psychic tape and messes of
determined glue – a shifting collection of pieces.
I had been studying with John Friend for about 5 years, and had
already had the above-mentioned recognition experience with him. He was
in town teaching a series of workshops in Soho. Usually when I studied
with John, I was like an excited puppy – exponentially more bouncy and
chatty than I normally am. This time I was in a place where I just
wanted to find some peace – to stop grinding my teeth for a few hours
and feel happy again. We put down our mats and gathered toward the front
of the room.
As John began to speak, something in the tone of his voice shifted
something for me, and my carefully taped together self began to come
unstuck. I spent most of the morning crying and sweating in the
bathroom, finally managing to fit in about 30 sniffling minutes of
practice. He came over to me immediately at the break and I recall
spilling some incoherent mess about what I was dealing with, as he took
it in and held that space for me.
Exhausted, I went back to my
apartment, showered, scrubbed everything off of myself, and when I
returned for the afternoon session, I was on the other side of it –
clear, clean, and actually slightly happy for the first time in months.
The tone of recognition and acceptance within his voice had triggered a
profound alchemical shift within me. He had invited me more deeply into a
particular part of myself so that I could process what I needed to move
through.
Great teachers speak to you from where you are. They don’t try to
yank or push or pull you into where they want you to be. They remind you
to move into the fullness of your experience, to embrace whatever
rasa, or flavor of experience, you are in so that you can best figure out how to align with your current reality.
With Douglas Brooks - Swamimalai Subrahmanya Temple, Dec 2010, photo-Diane Stone
On Reflection and Thatness
I was in upstate New York studying with Douglas this past week. Near
the beginning of a meditation practice that Douglas was guiding, there
was a moment near the beginning when one thanks one’s teachers. He let
us know that this was what he was doing and that we were welcome to do
the same.
Look way back – he suggested –
go to 2nd grade.
I decided to really go for it, and it was amazing how many people I
genuinely wanted to thank. I tried to pare it down to my parents, my
high school English and Art teachers, my college Art History professor,
several of my Anusara mentors, and Douglas and John. But then I thought
about all of my teachers’ teachers, and that kept multiplying as well –
lines and lines of them extending in every direction. It was endless.
I met Douglas when he was invited by
Amy Ippoliti to kick off our
Anusara®
Teacher Training in January 2002. I have extremely vivid memories of
being floored at every single thing he said. It was brilliant. And
totally new. And yet utterly familiar. To conclude one evening, we were
asked to give one word or phrase summarizing our experience. People
said,
inspired – intrigued – exhausted – perplexed – blown away, and more. The one thing that I could truly say, was
Yes…THAT. I am that. That I am.
You know in a minute flat when someone is going to be a great teacher
in your life. You can learn from many, but the great ones – that is
always clear. And there it was again and again, and here it still is
again and again: the
vimarsha shakti, which can be loosely defined as the energy of
you being reflected back to
you.
Being around my teachers makes me a better person because of this
endless mirroring and self-reflection, this sense of recognition, the
inescapable resonance, the sweet invitation to
that.
Jet-lagged but happy - with Douglas - Tirukalakundram Vedhagirishwar Hill Temple, Dec 2010
Saying Thank You
I was away traveling for much of this summer –
Vermont-India-Paris–Boston-upstate NY, and had intended to write
something like this for Gurupurnima, the traditional time of year to
honor one’s teachers, so this is slightly late. But I honestly think
about my teachers every day, which somehow blended with the nostalgia or
longing that kicks in for me at the end of summer and the fading august
light, so I felt compelled to write this belated thank-you note.
So here it goes – thank you to Mom and Dad for being the most
ridiculously fabulous parents anyone could wish for, to my sister Jen
for being a model of integrity, thank you to my academic teachers who
believed in my creativity and my skills – thank you to my yoga mentors
and inspirations –
Sianna Sherman,
Elena Brower Amy Ippoliti,
Lois Nesbitt,
Vishali Varga,
Ellen Saltonstall, and
Sue Elkind. You have all given me so much.
And thank you John. Thank you Douglas. I thank you all for offering me myself.
With John - Anusara Grand Circle, VT June 2011
Every reader finds himself. The writer’s work is merely a kind of
optical instrument that makes it possible for the reader to discern
what, without this book, he would perhaps never have seen in himself. ~ Marcel Proust
At the Met with Rodin and Robert Sturman two months post-op, Photo: www.RobertSturmanStudio.com
Post-Op Still Life on my Couch
Pain Scale
Pain Scale
Pre-op teaching in Barcelona, left leg outstretched. Someday Lotus Pose will return...
